Confessions...

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I've been trying to pull my life together and failing quit miserably. This post may be a little depressive so feel free to skip to the pretty pictures from weheartit.

So firstly, I've decided to stop the "everyday for a year" thing. Maybe another year I shall do it but this year it's just not working. I feel I'm putting off blogging because I haven't drawn or photographed anything and then I miss out on writing my thoughts and what is bothering me on here and end up bottling it all up in a confused mess inside of me.

Secondly, I'm tragically lonely. I have never felt this completely alone in my life. My best friend moved away. My other friends have left or are out of contact with me. People who I thought I could count on this year, who I thought were friends seem less like friends each passing second. I went to Youth Group two nights ago and I spoke to more people than I have ever spoken to before. I am a strangely shy person but I decided that it simply would not do to sit alone and mope so I walked around talking to various people, and in the end...I went home and cried from loneliness.

Thirdly, if it is not too much to ask, can you please pray for me? I have been reading C. S. Lewis and have discovered I am protecting the temporal things in my life, worldly baggage to which I am too attached to willingly let go. And this protecting, this attachment, is causing me to hide from God, dabble in Him here and there, but not dive headfirst into Him. I fear He will ask me to let go of all this stuff, to do something I don't want to.

I think that right now, God wants me to be lonely so I can lean on Him. If that makes sense...

I'm just scared. And procrastinating in hopes that another option will appear.

Apples

Right now, in this moment, I am obsessed with apples. I have no idea why but I do know I did not have this obsession a few minutes ago. Strange, very strange...

Today I went to Sydney and saw my very handsome boyfriend for the first time in almost a month. I nearly did not recognise him and completely freaked out when he turned around after I tapped him on the shoulder. I thought I had the wrong person for a second. But I didn't hehe :) We had lunch and shopped and I got a beautiful little filofax.....wait, it actually has pictures of apples on the inside....AHHHH!!!! That would be what sparked this obsession I'm thinking....

Anyway, now I am home again, and have found some pretty pictures of apples to share with all my lovely readers, courtesy of weheartit. Hope you had as nicer day as I.

Sweet dreams xx.

6. Looking back

Today I reread one of my old journals, reminiscing the past year, laughing at memories provoked from the pages... sitting on the large green lounge with my best friend, creating the perfect superhero, laughing, oblivious to the treasure the moment would become... lunchtimes spent in the art room, painting pictures of my classmates, realising I didn't pay attention to hair colour and style... sitting in my room, drawing from a polaroid, a moment captured on a bus to an art gallery. My memories, trapped within the covers, alive again.

5. The old man is snoring...

Rain. The smell. The sound. The feel. The air once it is gone. I love waking to the soft sound of rain on the roof, wondering if you are hearing right, leaning over to the curtains and peeking through them, falling back asleep to the sound of it's lullaby. I love the memory of my city friend, wondering aloud at what the beautiful smell was, amazement at the answer. Evenings sitting on the front verandah with my family, watching the rain fall, running in the puddles.

4. Drawing

I'm back everyone. Thanks for your lovely comments. I was wonderfully surprised when I returned and found that people do read my blog. So thank you all.

I know I started an "everyday thing" and then didn't post for two weeks however I did create something that represents a thing I love everyday whilst I was away and I shall slowly post them all over the next couple of days. Here is the first of many...

I love to draw. Even in my earliest memories I loved to draw. It has always been part of my life and it always shall be. My Dad tells me that if there is ever anything I should keep continuing to do it is to draw, to play piano and to speak Spanish. Drawing is my escape from reality.

3. Dear Diary

I love my journal. I draw, write, collage, schedule, everything in it. It's my place to kick back and relax. I feel free within it's pages.

I'm leaving early tomorrow morning so next time I post I shall be at the coast, enjoying the warm sand and the smell of salt water. Enjoy your day.

Beauty

I just stumbled across a lost folder in my computer. How beautiful are these? Sorry I can't tell you where they are from, maybe you could help??"The happiest heart that ever beat was in some quiet breast that found the common daylight sweet, and left to Heaven the rest." -John V. Cheney

2. The Circus

When I was little I was one of those kids who wanted to run away and join the circus. I would dance around the backyard making up acrobatic routines, pretending I was the one who could tame lions and imagining the two balls I taught myself to juggle were tongues of multi-coloured fire. I dreamt of the atmosphere, the smells of popcorn and fairy floss, the sounds of laughter and corny ringmaster music, fairy lights strung up against the smoky night air.

I bought my own clown puppet at a show when I was six. It is the first thing I can ever remember buying. I loved it for the blue spot it had in the middle of it's face that just didn't seem to belong.

Hope you all have a whimsical day.

Oh and this is a terrible time to start an 'every day' type of thing as I'm about to leave for two weeks at the coast. And who knows how often I shall get up the energy to walk to the internet cafe. So my apologies for already breaking the rules. Should've all put bets on it. Hope to post something again soon.

1. A Fresh Start

So my "new start" for the new year has come slightly late this year, but still, it did come! I was about to worry a little. I have decided to, unoriginally, post a photo or drawing or painting (or something that I have actually produced myself) of something I love in life everyday (or close to it).

I guess sometimes we take for granted the little things that make us happy in life. Eventually we get so overwhelmed we don't even see those delights anymore and instead believe life has changed and everything is now different and undesirable. I was, still am slightly, like that. But today I saw my little sister running through water, screaming as a water bomb hit her bare legs, her hair stuck to her neck with water, grass clinging to her pink spotty swimmers, mud on her cheek, and a beautiful smile spilling laughter into the air around her screams.

And I was happy. Even if it was only for a moment, it was enough.

I want to capture that this year.

Happiness and love.

I got a text tonight.

I've changed. I'm just not as positive as I used to be. I'm still loved, it's just... different.

I really don't like this. I really can't handle this right now.

Loneliness

Yes, still very lonely. Been looking on weheartit for drawings. This captures my mood right now. It is if he wishes to sit beside that one person who makes him smile, only the ink runs out, and he is left with just a memory. Hauntingly beautiful, don't you think?

The Rainbow Fish

Ahh, I remember that book. It was one of my childhood favourites. I used to wish for my own rainbow fish and finally I HAVE ONE!!! ... sort of.

This is Shark, and he's not rainbow, but he is my second favourite blue in the world which is pretty special. Isn't he just gorgeous?! Everyone started putting bets on how long he would survive in my room and I must say, I've surprised them all as he enters his third week of life. He is a tough little thing. His instruction sheet evens says it's good to forget to feed him every now and then which is perfect for me as I'm rather forgetful. Unfortunately when the water turns green I do have to clean it but my brother helps take Shark out of the bowl and put him back in which is fantastic...(I'm still not that comfortable with my tiny, squishy, jumpy pet)

Ahhh, my replacement best friend....Have a nice day everyone.

Still stuck.

Nothing has changed. I have had no blinding revelations about what to do. All I've had is a bowl of custard and a sore throat.

I cleaned Shark's water and ruined a series I was reading by reading the last chapter of the last book (Silly me, I shall never learn) and now I am trying to finish the name plaques for my two sisters door.

I decided when I'm worried I tend to bite my mouth a lot which really sucks as now it is painful to eat chocolate. Oh what a cruel cruel world...

Drained

Well, this is my first post of 2010. Which is really weird. I'm not sure if I want it to be 2010. Everything is going to change this year, or already has. I'm not against change, it's just that I know I won't like some of the change. Like I won't like that my best friend is so far away from me. Or that half of my friends are moving away to work or to go to uni. Or that other friends now have other people in their lives and don't have as much room for me.

Life has become a chore. I feel so stuck. I don't know if this is where I want to be however I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to chose another path and everything that it will bring.

If anything I feel lonely. So very lonely.

This weekend was amazing. I spent it with Rhys and 3 of my close friends. We laughed and stayed up all night and went shopping, watched movies, threw a party...I want this happiness all the time. Not just on "holidays".

I guess I'm just drained. I should catch up on sleep. Think everything over. I have some decisions to make.